Been Busy Yet Feeling Rudderless

So, for you my loyal, yet few followers, here is an update as to what is going on in Bad Penny Land. (if you know me or once knew me as a former letter writer, you will want to pay attention,)

In the land of real life, aka work land,  I got a promotion at work.  I am now a programmer for the telecom/tech company that I have worked for for the past 5.5 years.  It is a good move.  Work is now both time consuming and challenging rather than mind numbing and vacant.  I am actually enjoying it for a change and my new team is comprised of many wonderful individuals with the usual few pains in the ass.  So there is that.  I can and will tell stories of awe and WTF regarding this some other time.  This pay period I managed to stay home sick one day and still got 6+ hours of overtime.

On the home front, we are in the process of evicting the tenant from hell.  This foul creature that shall hence forth be known as Flee, was an old, all-be-it semi-casual friend of the Mr.'s.  He was the sort of person that one may say "he's a good guy once you get to know him" (aka - he is an asshole and you will get used to him.)  I wrote a 7 page tome regarding his generally psychotic and antisocial behavior but will not bore you with it unless you ask.  Needless to say, it has been a roller coaster ride of manipulative intentions (on his part) and antisocial behavior directed towards all of the other members of the Knutt House that led to his ultimate expulsion.  Now we have the legal 60 days of waiting for him to finally leave.  60 days is a LONG FUCKING time and I sincerely hope (yet secretly wish he wouldn't hold back) that E manages to avoid kicking Flee's ever loving ass in that time.  Beyond that, our house is in order - considering we have completely remodeled it and our roof- that we replaced- is holding tight. So there is that to be thankful for.

On the once removed home front, well things are both great and a real mess.  My dearest Darling Daughter Hanner is doing both wonderful and awful as is the want of a 20-something year old, but in general, I am pleased and apprehensive.  It is my right and responsibility as a mother to be so. I worry about her - and some of her adult friemds, aka my Hooligan Children- also as is my right, but jebuz christ, as I am not anything close to an "adult" myself, WHERE THE HELL DO I GET OFF??!!    That was the up side, now for the messed up shit.  So as you probably don't know - as I am a terrible blogger- is that my smother, whom I have been 3 + years estranged fron (long story) recently had her husband (aka my step monster) end up in the hospital and then in the hospital he had a stroke.  So, I got to go help prepare her house of his return via cleaning it out and such. (trust me, there was much more to it than this but I am far to tired to explain right now,  AKA MY LIFE IS A MINI SERIES.

So here we have it, 9 PM on a Saturday and I am too tired to go any farther with this.  Phque.  Seriously.

I have been painting and working and riding a bit so it has not been pointless.  So there is that.

XO
H

Great Expectations

So I am struggling to reconcile some things in my brain and in my heart. I am trying to figure out if my expectations for my life are unrealistic or if my life is really trying to kick me in the ass on purpose. Why do I feel like I am giving 1000% (yes that is impossible and I know, but I try) but yet feel like an afterthought by the people that matter most to me. Am I that difficult? Yeah I am VERY aware of my issues and disabilities (chronic asthma, debilitating migraines, f'd up immune system that tries to kill me on a regular basis, unpredictable panic attacks, asperger's, ADD and tendency towards melancholy.) (okay, that is a lot.) What I am trying to figure out is am I trying to make silk purses out of sow's ears or am I just expecting too much out of others? Am I really the archetypical Virgo in so much that I expect perfection from myself and others and suffer major set backs when I don't get from other what I try to of give myself? Okay, what is it I expect?

Joy. I want my chosen others to take joy in my accomplishments and take joy in the time we have together. Love. I want to feel unconditionally loved as this is not a feeling I profess lightly and if I have confessed my love it really means something profound. Comfort. I need to know that I have a safe haven when I am feeling less than whole. Mirth and merriment. I need fun, someone to appreciate my sense of humor, someone who won't find it an embarrassment. Acceptance. I need to know that those I have let in accept me for who I am, warts and all, good days and bad days, and will not hold my foibles up as a measure to discount the good things I do and am. Security. I need to know that I do not have to start over again – I have had to start over too many times already. Passion. I need to know that my passions, physical, artistic and other are reciprocated as I strive to do this for those I let in to my life. Adventure. I need constant stimulation, until I find myself over stimulated and need time to process. I need to be challenged but I also need to have my boundaries respected. Friendship. This is of the utmost importance, I need to know that those I have allowed the designation of Friend (this word hold lots of power for me as I do not call just anyone a friend) are really and truly my friends. Loyalty. I need to know that someone has my back and will defend me – even though I may be wrong – because I have earned that loyalty. Appreciation. I deeply appreciate everything that others do for me (okay, I appreciate the selfless and unrequested displays of appreciation the most but really, just having someone say “thank you” and mean it, means the absolute world to me.) Praise. Need to be told that what I am doing is appreciated and acknowledged – without me having to ask. Patience. I am an ever evolving and changing being and need to know that I still have room to grow. Encouragement. Sometimes, hell most times, the world is a difficult and ugly place and rely on the kind words of others to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.

Okay. That is a pretty tall order. I do not honestly expect anyone to read this through or think that I am rational in my needs and expectations. I just needed to write (type) it all down and get some perspective.

Maybe I just need to be a man.

I am a shitty blogger.  Here are my recent vacation pictures.

To Do List

So, it is Friday, MARCH 29TH.  Today at work (between cranking out orders for telecommunications services and stifling the urge to beat someone with my keyboard) I made this to do list.  It is obviously incomplete, but it is a start and I have actually checked off a few items.

1.  Learn to be patient faster.

2.  Find someone wearing a cross necklace and ask them what the "t" stands for.

3.  Play hide and seek in Ikea.

4.  Restock googly eye supply, renew quest to put them everywhere.

5.  Spend thousands of dollars on a liberal arts education, get a job in a tech company.  

6.  Have cake.  Eat it too.

7.  Become old, yell at children to get off my lawn.

8.. Discover an element, name it surprise.

9.  Buy hunting knife, have it engraved with "kindness,"  keep it on desk at work.

10.  Re-start blog.

11.  Maintain sanity long enough to watch those I love either go insane themselves or figure their shit out.

12.  Continue to be "unfit for the corporate environment,"  but maintain my gainful (snort!) employment with said corporate entity.

So one of my cohorts - for lack of a better term - has been kinda on me to start a blog, but since I had a blog but had not added anything to it in a few years, it was a matter of re-starting my blog, but I digress.  So I am restarting this thing here in the marvelous cyber worlds with my incomplete to do list, because honestly, I cannot think of a better place to start.  I find this is very often the case, this inability to know how and when to start something or restart something as the case may be.

Okay, so back to the list.  I think that I need to take each item and give some sort of explanation as to why they are important enough to make the list. (Okay, who can tell me why the hell this thing decides to change font and font color all on it's own?  Seriously vexing.)  

Explanation of list items as listed but not necessarily in order of importance (REALLY?!  Computer?!  You are going to change back to the first font?)

1.  Learn to be patient faster.  I am not known for patience being one of my virtues and obviously need to develop this, quickly, like NOW.  Is that a self defeating concept?  Maybe.  

2.  Find someone wearing a cross necklace and ask them what the "t" stands for.  It has to be just the right person, someone whom is obviously not aware of the why and hows as to their accessory choice.  Asking them what the "t" stands for will hopefully serve to make them think about what they think and believe and their reactions could prove to be priceless.

3.  Play hide and seek in Ikea.  This one should be obvious.  Ever been to Ikea?  Shopping there is like an adult version of hide and seek and considering we have an entire kitchen to purchase from Ikea very soon, I might as well make use of the facilities. 

4.  Restock googly eye supply and renew quest to put them everywhere.  Ah, the joys of the googly eye.  This has been a "thing" for me for AGES.  I used to put them up everywhere I went, in restaurant bathrooms, on various posted fliers, on the cover models of the magazines in the doctor's office waiting rooms.  It makes me giggle and that is the only reason I will give for such behavior.

5.  Spend thousands of dollars on a liberal arts education, get a job at a tech company.  (This one I have accomplished, not because I really strove to do such, but it is done and I have checked it off.)  I really don't want to discuss this any further at this time, but lets just say I am condemned to a cubicle 40+ hours a week and it hurts.

6.  Have cake.  Eat it too.  This one is harder than it sounds as I have Celiac's and finding a cake without the evils of gluten is a much harder quest than you might imagine.  Gluten free cake has proved disappointing at best.

7.  Become old, yell at children to get off my lawn.  This require maintaining the forward momentum to both age and maintain my household position while doing such.  The lawn, when it is mine to control, will have many gnomes and the like.

8. Discover an element, name it surprise.  Okay, so this one is silly and I found it on the internet, but I like it, so there it is.

9.  Buy hunting knife, have it engraved with "kindness," keep i ton desk at work.  As they say, "kill them with kindness."  Now I never want to kill per say, but the mental image makes me really happy.

10.  Restart blog.  I think we all know where this is going...

11.  Maintain sanity long enough to watch those I love either go insane or figure their shit out.  I am hopeful for the later option.  So far, it is about 50/50.  

12.  Continue to be "unfit for the corporate environment,"  but maintain my gainful employment with said corporate entity.  This was actually said to me by a potential employer during an interview and it was a phone interview at that.  She hadn't even seen my tattoos yet!  This one has decidedly become one of the greatest back-handed complements I have ever gotten.  Sadly, this girls gotta bring home the bacon, so I have to keep the job.