Tuesday, October 8, 2013
So I am struggling to reconcile some things in my brain and in my heart. I am trying to figure out if my expectations for my life are unrealistic or if my life is really trying to kick me in the ass on purpose. Why do I feel like I am giving 1000% (yes that is impossible and I know, but I try) but yet feel like an afterthought by the people that matter most to me. Am I that difficult? Yeah I am VERY aware of my issues and disabilities (chronic asthma, debilitating migraines, f'd up immune system that tries to kill me on a regular basis, unpredictable panic attacks, asperger's, ADD and tendency towards melancholy.) (okay, that is a lot.) What I am trying to figure out is am I trying to make silk purses out of sow's ears or am I just expecting too much out of others? Am I really the archetypical Virgo in so much that I expect perfection from myself and others and suffer major set backs when I don't get from other what I try to of give myself? Okay, what is it I expect?
Joy. I want my chosen others to take joy in my accomplishments and take joy in the time we have together. Love. I want to feel unconditionally loved as this is not a feeling I profess lightly and if I have confessed my love it really means something profound. Comfort. I need to know that I have a safe haven when I am feeling less than whole. Mirth and merriment. I need fun, someone to appreciate my sense of humor, someone who won't find it an embarrassment. Acceptance. I need to know that those I have let in accept me for who I am, warts and all, good days and bad days, and will not hold my foibles up as a measure to discount the good things I do and am. Security. I need to know that I do not have to start over again – I have had to start over too many times already. Passion. I need to know that my passions, physical, artistic and other are reciprocated as I strive to do this for those I let in to my life. Adventure. I need constant stimulation, until I find myself over stimulated and need time to process. I need to be challenged but I also need to have my boundaries respected. Friendship. This is of the utmost importance, I need to know that those I have allowed the designation of Friend (this word hold lots of power for me as I do not call just anyone a friend) are really and truly my friends. Loyalty. I need to know that someone has my back and will defend me – even though I may be wrong – because I have earned that loyalty. Appreciation. I deeply appreciate everything that others do for me (okay, I appreciate the selfless and unrequested displays of appreciation the most but really, just having someone say “thank you” and mean it, means the absolute world to me.) Praise. Need to be told that what I am doing is appreciated and acknowledged – without me having to ask. Patience. I am an ever evolving and changing being and need to know that I still have room to grow. Encouragement. Sometimes, hell most times, the world is a difficult and ugly place and rely on the kind words of others to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.
Okay. That is a pretty tall order. I do not honestly expect anyone to read this through or think that I am rational in my needs and expectations. I just needed to write (type) it all down and get some perspective.
Maybe I just need to be a man.